Bad Mental Day

I am not a good friend. I want friends. Being around them makes me happy. Some of the best times of my life were with friends.

I do best with friends.

I am not good at maintaining friends.

I have little to no confidence in my social connections with people. I get racked with the feeling that I am just intruding on them. I get in with friends a lot by luck and being in the right spot. When it comes to needing to work to maintain those connections, I fail. I don't call. I feel I am being a bother. I don't visit. I feel they don't want me there. I miss out and spiral downwards.

Even if they invite, plead, and try to cajole me into coming along, visiting, hanging out, or whatever, it doesn't break through the blockade in my head. They do want me to be around, but that doesn't break through. Positives have a metal wall to break through to get in my head, while negatives, real or imagined, pass right in. I get the feeling that I'm asked along as a pity invite or that they don't want around or because it's what's expected.

Logically I know I am wrong. I know people want me around. I know people like me. I know I can be a social person.

Emotionally, I feel am a social failure.

I don't think I am making sense now. I need to go think and collect my thoughts before I start babbling more.