My losing battle

A long time since I’ve posted here. I doubt many people will see this, but it will be a good release to get it out.

I have a disease I am losing the battle with. It is one that you can not see and one that few will even acknowledge that it exists. It is a mental illness, depression

I have tried to fight it with medication. All that has given me is side affects that are worse than being depressed along. The medications made me apathetic, unable to perform, and feeling vacant and drained. Trying to get off of them made it worse with side affects I would wish on not even my worse enemies.

I have tried to fight it with words. I have talked to professionals and good friends. It relieves some mental pressure, but the core is still there.

No matter how much I talk, how many medications I take, I still feel a crushing lonliness. I feel on the verge of breaking down all the time. The slightest thing can set me off into a depressive spiral. Where ever I go I feel a sense of expectation. Expectation that someone will come and take this loneliness away. Someone who will make the mental pain stop. Though that is naive. That is never going to happen. This is something I know I have to deal with for the rest of my life amid crys of those who do not accept it as an illness. While I try to fight my way through the darkness, they say it’s all in your head, snap out of it, you just want attention, everyone has a bad time now and get over it. If it could be that easy, I would be a much happier person. A "good" day for me is one where I do not feel the urge to just shut down. A bad day for me is being so thoroughly mentally defeated where nothing gives me the slightest bit of joy. Happiness, true happiness, is elusive to me. It has only happened a few precious times in my life. The rest of the time, the crushing loneliness takes over and I am a pathetic human being.

That is my curse and my diesease. Something I fight with my entire life knowing it will never go away. It’s hard and it’s a draining fighting something you know you can not beat.